What Is The Crying All About?
My sicknesses and disorders were my subtle cries from within that something is wrong. There was no initiative to investigate the root causes of depression, learning disorders, or mood behaviors in my day. Thanks to a friend’s advice, my desire to be normal and achieve, and later, a discovery that God had a plan for me in his will led me to discover ways to fight back. Here are some things that worked for me.
Seek counseling.
If at all possible seek professional counseling or the services of a licensed therapist. This step of action can be full of caveats. Especially for school-age kids. I was blessed with a school counselor who possessed special insight. She just seemed to possess a knack for discerning that something extra-academic curricular was wrong. School kids’ educational, mental, and physical development suffers because of bullying and abuse. Kids who exhibit mood swings, depression, or who are sick and suffer from maladies such as skin disorders, nerve disorders, or behavior disorders are seldom screened for the possibility of bullying or abuse at school or at home.
The high school prom queen whose personality goes from leader of the cheerleader pack to that of detached, disinterested, and depressed could be showing the results of a date rape attempt. Counselors should not quickly dismiss the possibility of abuse or attack just because the once-vibrant and beautiful young teen girl retorts a healthy “nothing happened” when she is questioned. She needs a quiet regimen of attention and monitoring while conducting a secret investigation into issues.
Kids need access to counselors outside the disclosure of family. Schools need the room to counsel and refer students to licensed therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists without the threat of law suits by parents whose bullying and abuse are the reason for children’s academic difficulties and struggles to commit to a normal society.
As a kid and young teen I had to deal with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. Those who abused me shadowed me. When I became a patient of psychiatry I was allowed to speak with a psychiatrist only once outside the presence of those who abused me. I was hospitalized often. I was prayed over. I was carried from church to church and my abusers had me prayed over. My symptoms and signs were mistaken for demonic oppression and possession. I was placed before a group while people called prayer warriors would “lay hands” on me and command Satan to “let me go,” or “release me.” Some would “plead the blood” of Jesus over me. I guess they were well-meaning. Of course, these episodes only weakened my stature in the eyes of my friends that much more. But to a 10 year old who understood the physical more than the spiritual I was only frustrated more. I became known for the hospital trips, the mood swings, and chemical imbalances rather than as the kid who was a professional musician at twelve years old.
My hospitalizations, wacky behavior, mood swings, and distorted personalities were attributed to chemical changes in my body. Over thirty years later I learned that these remarks were aimed at covering up the real causes of my behavior and to protect those who abused me. How better to protect an abuser than to hide behind religion and prayer meetings?
The cover up of my physical and sexual abuse was widespread. I was a member of a church. My dad was a minister. Therefore, no consideration that I was abused could remotely cross over those sacred grounds. In the 1970’s I could not speak freely with a school counselor of my abuse without that counselor involving my family.
These maladies could serve as subtle indicators of bullying or abuse at school or home. It can be difficult to seek the help of a licensed counselor. Legislation should be passed that addresses the privacy concerns of bullied and abused kids. Victims should be provided venues to seek counseling within the privacy of a school setting. The seven hours away from home at school is the most privacy that many kids have away from their abuser. Schools, counselors, and administrations, when in the course of their duties, provide abuse, molestation, and date rape counseling to school kids, should be immune from prosecution and law suits. Our current moors and academic fashion do not allow students to talk privately.
Seek out a best friend.
God gives us friends, some of whom will be more loyal than family. One day, I confided in a friend who was a member of my dad’s church about my problems. His name was Johnny Suggs. We took many walks in the woods off of Stalvey Road. We shared girly magazines, rifles, ammunition, and ham sandwiches that we sneaked out of Johnny’s mother’s ice box. As I matured and grew older I began associating my depression and mood swings with the religious punishment and abuse I was enduring. Johnny became either wearied with my tirades or else really had no word of counsel for me so he just explained to me that I had to grow up, get tough, and quit whining and learn to accept myself and be myself. I took his advice.
Seek out external factors that trigger the mood swings. I grew up in a strict religious environment. My church’s qualifications for entrance into heaven was almost cultic. Attendance at every church service, revival service, gospel sing, homecoming, and special service was compulsive. Non-compliance was met with swift punishment. I grew up in fear.
Physical punishment was a known given for non-conformance with religious teachings. The punishment was either physical or emotional. The charge of leaving church for a drink of water was a whipping. So were the charges of sneaking a smoke or a beer at the river. But there were man-made charges under which I finally broke. I remember leaving church one night to get a drink of water and I got a beating. I remember as the adults ate at the dinner table I sat on the couch with the “huffs” from the inability to quit crying from the beating. I arose and was halfway crawled under my bed to look for something when I felt the sting of the belt on my legs again just for being off the couch.
Many man-made teachings were required as a daily routine. As a matter of religious disavowal as a kid I wasn’t allowed to participate in physical education. Physical education called for boys to wear shorts. Shorts showed the legs. Boys weren’t allowed to show their legs. It was called a sin.
Swimming with girls in the same body of water or wearing shorts any time was a sin to my religion. A breach of these religious yokes was met with swift punishment physically and emotionally. I carried the fear and guilt from those requirements far into my young adult life.
Address Factors That Create Pain and Depression
My religion taught that shorts, swim suits, short sleeves in church, short hair on women, long hair on men, panty hose, women shaving their legs and arm pits, perfume and cologne, deodorant, wedding rings, any type of jewelry, baseball, basketball, and other sports, and any type of music except some types of gospel, were all sins for which we were taught to expect swift punishment from God. Of course, instead of religion and God’s grace being a source of respite, haven, and peace, it was a stronghold of guilt which took me years to deal with and overcome. My academic, societal, and practical life was shot and did not begin to develop until years after I left home.
I was forced to wear those ugly old butch cuts. I remember walking home from the barber shop in Willacoochee. When I returned home I was forced to make the walk back to Wilacoochee to the barber where, embarrassed and in tears, I had to tell the barber to remove more hair. The irate barber skinned me. I was trained that I could keep a prayer on my mind all the time. I was trained that I could block all thoughts of carnality. I was trained that if I had boyish thoughts of girls that I was not a Christian.
I was ushered to a bedside where I was forced to pray for forgiveness for my thoughts. In my day psychiatrists and counselors were scorned. It was a sign of weakness to talk to anyone but the preacher. I couldn’t understand this because some of those preachers who forced us to absolve ourselves of all thoughts of carnality were the very ones abusing us sexually, physically, and emotionally. Later in life in my third year of professional therapy I asked a minister to help me to deal with the abuse. He only said to me that he would hate to destroy a man’s reputation and pension over my complaint. But this man had destroyed so many others. My pleas for help were met with resistance and cover up from those who stood every Sunday and preached thou shalt not commit adultery or harm another human being.
I began to stand up for myself. I was beat up but I would get back up. I was bullied, picked on, taunted, and any resistance on my part was attacked by words and fists. At eighteen years old I fell in love with a little brown-haired girl from Echols County, Georgia. We moved away and began to forge our own life and family. We were successful. I fought bullying even as a young adult. But I remembered the words of my friend to grow up, get tough, and quit whining, and be myself.
Get creative.
I fought back with education. I was better as a writer than a speaker. What I didn’t know I sought out and self-educated. What I lacked in physical strength and stature I made up in mental tenacity and talent. I mapped where I wanted to be in ten years. I took courses. I became a certified and licensed business owner in entomology in two states. I was not as interested in things working as I was in how they worked. My interest in agriculture led me to independent studies and become a certified crop advisor and soil scientist American Society of Agronomy. I loved advocacy. So I learned the ropes.
In 1987 my efforts caught the attention of a group of professionals in Oklahoma. They saw potential in my small stature and noted my skills to read people and to be fair to others. They accepted me into a training camp in the Florida Glades where I was trained in natural skills, survival, people skills, and abilities that would later lead me into the world of undercover work in human trafficking. My training led me to become the State Boy’s Ministry Director of my church denomination and a member of my state’s youth and Christian Education board. My efforts led me through many doors to help others.
Remain vigilant.
Regardless of age or status there are always bullies who, through jealousy or lack of self-confidence, can resent your progress and seek to disinterest and dissuade your success.
My small stature and size was an advantage that was often used to the advantage of those who saw strength in my weaknesses.
Invest In Your Inner Skills
Invest whatever it takes to meet goals as long as those investments serve a greater need and return. I would often sell personal items and collect and sell junk to help pay for certified courses and classes that led to making money and a better life. My wife and kids were right there. Now, they too, are aggressive and successful. I fought back with hard work and thriving on happiness, togetherness, and the spirit of free enterprise we built a family, a business, a writing ministry, and a life.
Use your inner skills. I discovered that the pen and paper were excellent weapons. I used the pen, paper, and a few well placed photographs of my enemies in compromising positions to fight bullying and disadvantage. I fought back with wit and wisdom. By the time I was thirty years of age I was earning over $80,000 a year. Those who once called me names were calling me for a job. Those who once bullied me now wanted to work for me. I had gone from victim to victor over bullying.
Again, be vigilant and flexible. In 2006, at 48 years old I had a job accident. I was injured and unable to return to work. I was told to get used to not working. I went through depression, moods, and anxiety attacks. But I remembered Johnny’s words to grow up, get tough, quit whining, and be myself. So I started the long climb back up.
Seek strength in family.
I sought ways to continue my ministry. My wife Carolyn and I organized a visionary human services outreach called Silent Ministries Recovery Outreach. The outreach has many arms whereby we reach through ourselves and others to help meet needs and issues in the lives of troubled and disadvantaged children, teens, disabled and elderly persons. Today, SIMRO has 12 arms of outreach, one for each disciple of Christ.
Observe the tenacity of children.
My little 7 year old granddaughter sometimes hears me complain. Her mother is a sports fitness and professional fighter trainer. She repeats what she hears ‘Mommy’ preach. She says to me, ”Papa, suck it up.” I encourage you today to “suck it up”. Our children pray at the table, “God is great God is good. And we thank him for our food. By his hands we are fed. And we thank you, Lord, for daily bread. Amen.” God is great to you today. And God is bigger than your weakness, athletic inability, or even a limited learning disorder. So I admonish you today to suck it up, quit whining, and get tough.
Now, fist bump and two thumbs up.
Jim
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